Doreen McGettigan

As someone that lives with PTSD, and after reading this article I knew I had to share it. I hope you will do the same. 20 Things Not to Say to Someone With PTSD By Alexander Draghici, MS, LCPC February 2, 2021

Imagine you are the survivor of a horrible car crash. One day, while you’re walking down the street, you hear a car horn followed by a screeching noise. Before you get a chance to look around and figure out what happened, you feel a sudden rush of adrenaline. Fear paralyzes you from head to toe, and your mind fills up with images of the accident in which you were involved not long ago. It may look like you’re overreacting from the outside, but from the inside, everything feels so ‘real’ and overwhelming. And so, you sit there shaking and waiting for something horrible to happen.

For someone with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), the world no longer looks like a place worth exploring but rather a minefield where every step presents a risk.

As you can probably imagine, being hypervigilant and ‘on edge’ most of the day is exhausting. In time, and without proper help, you will eventually shut down because you don’t feel like there’s someone who can truly understand what you’re going through.

 

But part of the reason people who’ve been through traumatic events resort to social isolation is that society often fails to provide what people living with PTSD genuinely need.

And it’s not out of ignorance or ill-intention, not always, but merely a lack of understanding of the difficulties associated with this condition. This manifests in the public services offered to them, the reactions of their loves to their condition, and even in the way those around them communicate with them.

So, here is a list of things you SHOULDN’T say to someone with PTSD:

1. “You’ll get over it”

Whether someone is dealing with depression, burnout, or PTSD, telling them to simply “Get over it” will trivialize the severity of their condition and make them feel like they’re not strong enough.

Imagine you are dealing with something so painful that it almost seems unsolvable. At the same time, you keep hearing that it’s nothing and you should get over it. At some point, you begin to feel like you are the problem; you are the one who doesn’t have what it takes to overcome your condition.

 

2. “You’re just a bit shocked; that’s all”

A traumatic event can send shockwaves for months (even years) after the initial impact.

It’s like throwing a rock into a pond. Even though the waves are not as ‘loud’ as the initial splash, they’re still strong enough to disturb the surface of the water.

But the worst part is that if you find yourself in a triggering situation, your mind will (emotionally) reenact the trauma, which can be shocking enough to make you avoid specific contexts or experience intense anxiety if you have nowhere to run.

Long story short, people with PTSD are not “just a bit shocked.”

3. “I’m no expert, but I think you should…”

Stop!

Nobody, regardless of the problems they are dealing with, wants to hear unsolicited advice.

In fact, there’s a good chance that someone who’s going through a rough patch might have already tried what you’re about to suggest.

For people with PTSD, an empathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on is significantly more valuable than any piece of ‘expert’ advice you might have picked off the Internet.

Just stop at “I’m no expert” because you’re definitely not. All you need to be is the person who can listen and understand.

4. “Maybe you need to do more and complain less”

Once again, we have a perfect example of an invalidating response resulting from a lack of empathy and understanding.

When you’re dealing with something as emotionally draining as PTSD, there’s little energy left for anything else. It’s not that you don’t want to do more; it’s just that every attempt to get past your traumatic experience feels like a herculean task.

Patience is a crucial factor during the recovery process, and just because someone is complaining doesn’t mean they don’t actively work on their problem.

5. “It’s not that bad”

Sometimes, people think that making a problem seem less severe will somehow take the burden off the sufferer’s shoulders, thus speeding recovery.

Although the intention is good, playing down the severity of the problem can backfire horribly. More specifically, you risk becoming yet another person who doesn’t understand the pain and difficulties associated with PTSD.

If you want to provide support to someone who’s been through a traumatic event, don’t evaluate the situation based on your criteria.

Listen, understand, and try to see the pain through his/her eyes.

6. “Others have it worse”

Comparing one sufferer to another can sometimes be useful as it sheds new light on the situation. The fact that life could have been far worse represents a glimmer of hope that paves the way for a better future.

But this perspective only works when the sufferer has already overcome helplessness and is making real steps towards recovery.

Otherwise, it’s just another trigger for shame and guilt.

7. “Stop making a big fuss about it”

This reply screams frustration right off the bat.

It’s the kind of thing that tends to slip out of your mouth when, for some reason, you’re feeling emotionally unavailable, or perhaps you’ve grown tired of hearing the same complaints over and over again.

If you don’t feel emotionally available, perhaps it would be wiser to take a step back for a moment instead of venting your frustration to someone who’s already in a dark place.

People with PTSD make a big fuss about it because the pain and anxiety can be truly unbearable at times.

8. “I have a friend who’s been through a similar situation, and he got over it”

Just like “Others have it worse,” telling someone with PTSD that they’ll get over it simply because you’ve seen others recovering from the same condition is a faulty comparison.

For starters, one person’s trauma is hardly comparable to another’s. People’s reaction to traumatic events varies depending on their personality, emotional resilience, coping mechanisms, and social support system.

9. “You’re completely irrational”

Given that the underlying emotions people with PTSD experience most of the time are fear and anticipatory anxiety, it’s no surprise that rational arguments prove entirely ineffective.

Additionally, telling people that they’re irrational will definitely not make them adopt a rational perspective. It will only deepen their sense of worthlessness and helplessness.

Often, a simple gesture of, “Help me understand why this situation is difficult for you” is far more helpful than saying, “Let’s look at your problem from a rational standpoint.”

10. “You have to face your fears”

Facing your fears or, as experts call it, exposure therapy is one of the most effective strategies in dealing with PTSD and other anxiety disorders.

Current evidence suggests that both intensive prolonged exposure and virtual-reality augmented exposure can help individuals overcome traumatic experiences.

But this process should only take place under the guidance and supervision of a licensed counselor or therapist.

For people with PTSD, facing their fears can be a huge endeavor requiring patience and careful planning.

11. “You must be really sensitive”

Given that people living with PTSD avoid contexts that could trigger them or behave ‘strangely’ when confronted with a situation that reminds them of their traumatic experience, it’s easy to label them as sensitive.

But this sensitivity isn’t a feature of their identity but a coping mechanism that shields them from further pain and suffering.

Remember that some of them are battle-hardened veterans who could do things that most of us wouldn’t even have the courage to try.

12. “Loosen up a bit; you’re too uptight”

Telling someone with PTSD to loosen up is like telling someone with depression to smile more often.

The reason why people who’ve been through traumatic events seem uptight is that they shield themselves from anything that might trigger that painful memory.

For them, loosening up means letting their guard down, something for which they might not feel ready yet.

13. “Are you a war veteran?”

Given that a significant proportion of people who struggle with PTSD are soldiers and war veterans, we can understand why this stereotype has taken root.

But PTSD can result from a wide range of traumatic events. From emotional and sexual abuse, domestic violence, and severe illness to car accidents, the death of a loved one, and natural disasters, any event that shakes you to the core can trigger the onset of PTSD.

The best thing you can do is ask before making any assumptions that could put the other person in an awkward position.

14. “Leave the past behind”

Unfortunately, it’s not that easy for the human mind to leave the past behind, especially when the past holds something that has shaken the very core of your personality.

When something traumatic happens, the brain registers the event to prevent it from happening again. That’s why some memories will stick and remain with us forever.

In short, the past isn’t something that we should forget or put behind, but understand, accept and integrate into our experience.

15. “Focus on the Positive”

We know that humans possess a diverse spectrum of emotions, some being pleasant, others less so. But each emotional experience has a purpose and a valuable message that we need to hear.

If we choose to focus on “positive vibes only” (and encourage others to do the same), all we are doing is running away from ourselves.

Unpleasant emotions are part of who we are just as much as pleasant ones are.

16. “Let’s talk about something else”

Although being close to people who’ve experienced a tragedy may feel ‘heavy’ at times, it’s vital to create a space where they can unburden their soul.

As long as ‘the wound is still fresh,’ trying to change the subject to something less tragic in hopes of lifting their mood will only result in disappointment.

There’s a good chance you’ll make them feel like a burden.

17. “Why didn’t you say anything at that time?”

Trauma survivors rarely talk about what they’ve been through, especially immediately after the event. It is usually when people notice changes in their behavior that they begin to share their struggles.

On top of that, it’s challenging to be open about something as painful as sexual abuse or domestic violence. Especially when you know that people might not understand what you’re going through, and the authorities might not always have the power to provide proper assistance.

18. “Let’s do something fun”

When you’re having a hard time adjusting to everyday life, fun is the last thing on your mind.

Even if you try to do something to take your mind off the problems you face, there’s always that profound sense of imminent threat that’s keeping you from enjoying a fun activity.

Instead of suggesting something fun, try to create a safe space where they can experience a sense of comfort and calm.

19. “Didn’t this happen a long time ago?”

Asking this question is like saying, “You should have been over it by now.”

It’s definitely something you don’t want to say to someone who’s already having a hard time going about his/her daily life.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, it takes 6 to 12 weeks of psychotherapy for someone with PTSD to achieve recovery. But keep in mind this is just a rough estimate.

20. “It will only get better and better from now on”

As an outside observer, it’s easy to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But when you’re dealing with something as debilitating as PTSD, all you can see are miles and miles of tunnel.

Being Helpful

Post-traumatic stress disorder is a complicated condition with numerous emotional, psychological, and behavioral factors that affect one’s ability to perceive a better future.

So instead of desperately pointing towards the light, try helping those suffering from PTSD navigate through the tunnel until they find their own way out.

Alexander Draghici, MS, LCPC

Alexander Draghici is a licensed Clinical Psychologist and CBT practitioner. His work focuses mainly on strategies designed to help people manage and prevent two of the most common emotional problems – anxiety and de

SOURCE: https://www.e-counseling.com/ptsd/things-not-to-say-to-someone-with-ptsd/

 

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WRITING WEDNESDAY 

I LOVE introducing you to fabulous authors and great books. Elaine and I met in Nashville and again in Las Vegas where we were both presenters at the BAM Conference.

She is so talented, lovely and hysterically funny! 

About the book:

Melody is an amusing ten-year-old girl with Down syndrome who loves to daydream beneath a catalpa tree in the backyard. She narrates her story and explains, “I can do almost everything other children can do, and I’m happy.”

She loves her teacher, going to the library, and playing with her little brother as he tells knock-knock jokes. After a sad day, she meets an enchanted talking bird, and they use a 3-D printer to create a flying machine pulled by two dragons.

Melody soars over the playground to amaze her friends and confront a group of bullies. Melody’s energetic talent in storytelling empowers her to educate others about Down syndrome while sharing her tall tales and strong hugs. Caroline Zina’s pencil illustrations are beautifully textured and shaded, with a magical quality that deftly matches the text.

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Insecure Writers Support Group Purpose:

To share and encourage. Writers can express doubts and concerns without fear of appearing foolish or weak. Those who have been through the fire can offer assistance and guidance. It’s a safe haven for insecure writers of all kinds!

Posting:  The first Wednesday of every month is officially Insecure Writer’s Support Group day. Post your thoughts on your own blog. Talk about your doubts and the fears you have conquered. Discuss your struggles and triumphs. Offer a word of encouragement for others who are struggling. Visit others in the group and connect with your fellow writer – aim for a dozen new people each time – and return comments. This group is all about connecting! Be sure to link to this page and display the badge in your post. And please be sure your avatar links back to your blog! Otherwise, when you leave a comment, people can’t find you to comment back. Let’s rock the neurotic writing world! Our Twitter handle is @TheIWSG and hashtag is #IWSG.

Every month, we announce a question that members can answer in their IWSG post. These questions may prompt you to share advice, insight, a personal experience or story. Include your answer to the question in your IWSG post or let it inspire your post if you are struggling with something to say.

 

Remember, the question is optional!

December 2 question – Are there months or times of the year that you are more productive with your writing than other months, and why?

Most definitely! I’ve always been a procrastinator but I also work well with deadlines. For those reasons, I think during the month of November, I always start to feel twinges of anxiety and regret that I haven’t accomplished the goals I wanted to that year. January 1st is looming and I need to come up with NEW goals! My choices are to kick it into high gear and finish, or roll a few goals into the new year. Let’s face it, this year sucked on SO many different levels. I’ve faired well, I don’t have much to complain about and so much to be grateful for. I wish it was the same for everyone but it hasn’t been:(

My 3rd book was released on March 17th. Two days into the Pennsylvania and pretty much the entire worlds shut down. Was I devastated? Yes, of course. But the book Realize your Writing Dreams is a book on writing, publishing and marketing. So many people that were laid off from their jobs decided it would be a great time to write that book they always wanted to write! It turned out to be the perfect time for that books release.

The New Year, January is always a productive writing month for me. I always want to have a better year than the last, and am motivated to get off to a good start. That usually last a month.

For as long as I can remember late Spring, Summer and early Fall have always been my most creative and most productive writing seasons. I’m a Pisces, so during those seasons I spend a lot of time at the beach, it’s my favorite writing space.

One of my 2020 goals was to host a writing retreat at the beach. I planned it and was so excited. Sadly, I had to scale it way back but it still happened and it was amazing. Another reason to be so grateful. I’ll be writing about the retreat next week!

How about you? Are you cramming in writing time to complete your 2020 goals? Has this year been a curse or a blessing in disguise? Have you chosen 2021 writing goals or at this point are we going to be happy to arrive in 2021 in one piece?

Have a Blessed Holiday Season Everyone!,

Doreen

The awesome co-hosts for the December 2 posting of the IWSG are Pat Garcia, Sylvia Ney, Liesbet @ Roaming About Cathrina Constantine, and Natalie Aguirre! Please stop by and thank them.

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Insecure Writer’s Support Group

It’s time for another group posting of the Insecure Writer’s Support Group! Time to release our fears to the world – or offer encouragement to those who are feeling neurotic. If you’d like to join us, click on the tab above and sign up. We post the first Wednesday of every month. I encourage everyone to visit at least a dozen new blogs and leave a comment. Your words might be the encouragement someone needs.

September Question – If you could choose one author, living or dead, to be your beta partner, who would it be and why?

What a tough question! After giving it some thought, I would love to meet and have a conversation with Nora Roberts. Having her beta read for me would have me so nervous, but what an honor it would be.

Nora has written more than 200 romance novels! She also writes under the pen names, J.D. Robb, Jill March, and Sarah Hardesty. Can you imagine having your novels on the NYT Best seller list for 861 weeks, 176 weeks in the #1 spot.

She write’s eight-hours a day, even when she’s on vacation. That’s impressive! Writing mostly trilogies, Nora doesn’t write from an outline but creates a short first draft with all the elements of the story and then adds texture and color in her second draft, something I’d love to learn more about from her.

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Purpose: To share and encourage. Writers can express doubts and concerns without fear of appearing foolish or weak. Those who have been through the fire can offer assistance and guidance. It’s a safe haven for insecure writers of all kinds!

“Behind every good writer is another good writer that has their back.”

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Writing Wednesday

This is a place for writers to express doubts and concerns without fear of appearing foolish or weak. Those who have been through the fire can offer assistance and guidance. It’s a safe haven for insecure writers of all kinds!

We post the first Wednesday of every month.

This is our official Insecure Writer’s Support Group day. Post your thoughts on your own blog. Talk about your doubts and the fears you have conquered. Discuss your struggles and triumphs. Offer a word of encouragement for others who are struggling. You can also choose to answer the question of the month if you’d like.

Join in here:

Be sure to visit others in the group and connect with your fellow writer –

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It’s the first Wednesday of the month which means it’s time for The Insecure Writers Support Group! And I’m thrilled to be hosting this month, it’s been awhile.

Purpose: To share and encourage.

Writers can express doubts and concerns without fear of appearing foolish or weak. If you’ve been through the fire you can offer your assistance, and guidance. It’s a safe- haven for insecure writers of all kinds! http://www.insecurewriterssupportgroup.com/p/iwsg-sign-up.html

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COMING SRING 2020!!

Book #3– Realize Your Writing Dreams- Actionable tips on writing, publishing and marketing

Becoming a published author is no easy task. Overcoming the writing challenges, agent and publisher rejections and marketing failures can be excruciating. It can often seem like an impossible dream, but those dreams can be realized.

Realize Your Writing Dreams will talk you through each step of the writing process. The author explains in simple terms the business of and the ever- changing publishing landscape. She gives the writer a complete description of each publishing route and the pros and cons of each choice.

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Writing Wednesday

Wednesday is the day I share what I’ve learned on my journey from writing, publication, marketing; and doing it all again, and again. The kind of information I wish someone shared with me when I started.

GOALS There’s only five-months until 2020!

Please tell me I’m not the only one freaking out about that. It’s just a date right? Do you set New Years Goals for yourself and/or your business? Normally I’m extremely serious about my goals and I’m pretty good about accomplishing them. The past two-years, not so much. January 2018 started with surgery on my right hand. I squeezed a lemon and tore some ligaments.

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Friday Favorites, Flops and Food

I know its cliché, but the weeks seem to be floating by leaving me feeling like I’m missing something or not living life to the fullest. One of my goals for this year is to slow my days down and to be present and mindful of each, and every minute. Another goal is to find something to be grateful for in each season. Keeping track of my favorites, flops and good food weekly has been a great exercise in consistent blogging, and a way to remember and be grateful.

Favorites

Have you heard that the topic of the new season of “American Crime Story” will be produced by Monica Lewinsky and will focus on the impeachment of former president Bill Clinton. It’s set to debut weeks before election day 2020.

Monica Lewinsky, Paula Jones and Linda Tripp will be the story’s main characters.

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